Sunday, August 26, 2007
tmr is gp. and i have never felt so unprepared in my whole life. i duno wat to do about horrible aq qn (i can only score about average/mode of 2/8???!) and recent composition's (mayb that's y i've been doing so horribly- cause i should start calling it essay instead?) marks of 22/50 makes me feel lik al my efforts are none-existence. HAIX.
the sheer amount of content to memorise/stuff in my tiny brain jus makes me feel so in despair that i jus simply give up. i duno where i should start, which are the things i'm not sure of so i'll jus jump straight into doing papers? and only den i realised what i tot i knew, i didn't.
i guess i am/was falling sick because of the stress i'm giving myself, but so far, i've neither seen anything or done anything or think of realistic thoughts to be able to make myself happy. BLAH.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
i've had a bad day today. i felt lik there's jus only despair and hopelessness. and perhaps i jus knew it. yesterday, i had a feeling i would forget to bring my file to school today, and despite telling myself i won't, i forgot. -.- this morning i had a feeling i would have a bad day, and i jus did. i'm so glad i'm finally home. good thing there are ppl who noticed, and cared. i REALI appreciate it, THANKS. i feel it when u noticed, whether or not u say it out.=) but to those who didn't notice, or care, it doesn't matter. seriously. i so understand the world doesn't revolve around me. realised that lesson from some english comprehension passage from so long ago.
perhaps i was in a bad mood because i told myself i will hav a bad day. perhaps when one looks thru the glass half empty, it would be half empty. but it's hard to be happy especially that the prelims and A lvls are looming, and i haven done anything that could make myself be proud of, and it seriously doesnt help people everywhere are lik bring their stuff to study everywhere. i feel soooo stressed and in despair. and it's sooo easy to jus giv up. by trying to giv more stress to me to make me work harder is jus so counterpdtive. take chem mcq crap test today, instead of being "inspired" to study, i jus gave up. it's seriously more easy to take the disappointment of not getting the ideal results when u already expected it, and not try anymore den try sooo hard and stil get the same sucky results. i think i'm reali screwed for chemistry this time, and to see things in a good light, at least this time there won't be ms watson to dui4 bu4 qi3. i reali cannot get over my o lvls results. i need more den two years to recover, jus like how i need more den2 yrs to score wonderful perfect ideal score for the a lvl syllabus. but time and tide waits for no man (or useless student in this case), so i gues i'l jus be swept away, and make lemonade with lemons that life presents. watever the lemonade outcome, i'l hav to jus swallow it.
blah. i should stop wasting my time and do my work. hoho but tel me wat's the point when i dun get results? u say not trying's half a battle lost? fine den i shal try, and when the results does come out in the end, who can i blame den?
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
i feel lik deletin the previous post. that was SUPER random. but i guess i shal jus leave it there to remind me how i too, am prone to doing stuff that i seriously regret later.
career fair today. hmm nth much except everyone behaved very aunti-ish, collecting all the free stuff.. of course i did too! but hmmm.. mayb it's not THAT hopeless that i will not be able to find my niche in the singapore economy. -.-
ok, prelims coming, a lvls coming. i cant believe it. prelims is lik less den a mth away and i don't noe half the (shitty) content of the syllbus which i'm supposed to memorise. it jus feels so sickeningly hopeless. once upon a time i tot i would crack under so much pressure, but apparently as time goes by, one jus gets numbed. there's always this feeling of dread and despair that nv goes away. never. i think if i can safely get thru this yr, i am lik super prepared for anything (except for the horrible NEED to socialise and mix with new ppl once again). ok watever. i should seriously start revision. and tel myself to REALI STUDY. and not jus pretend. but of course, firstly i must get myself to REALI start studying.
blah. reali talking doesn't hepl solve the problem. i've learnt long ago that one only has one to depend on. and one can only pull out of misery and brooding because of the wilpower of oneself too.